by Madeline Laughs
Image by Madeline Laughs
We’re in the pool. Me and him and her.
She’d be better off if I was dead, he says to me.
And she laughs.
And he smiles.
Why? I ask him.
She’d be better off, he says again.
Oh he knows he’s full of shit. And she laughs again.
He cries wolf all the time. And she laughs again.
Next time you wave that gun around you better use it. And she laughs again.
Why does she always do that? Why is she always so mean?
I leave the pool.
I grab my things. My car keys. I want to go home.
So I go home.
The next morning my phone rings.
It’s her and she’s mad. Why did I leave? Why did I leave her there alone with him?
I don’t want to answer her. I am so tired of answering her. I want her to leave me alone.
I can hear him in the background. He’s asking her a question. He sounds upset.
She tells me to hold on. And I can hear her. She’s not very nice to him.
Why does she always do that? Why is she always so mean?
She comes back to me on the phone. She has to go. He’s fukked up something else.
I hang up the phone.
I sit on the sofa. I think about the many different ways I can tell her I don’t want to be her friend anymore.
An hour passes. The phone rings again.
It’s her. I see her number on the Caller ID. I don’t want to answer, but I do.
Hello?
It’s him! she screams. He’s shot himself! Oh my god! He’s shot himself!
Is he okay?
He’s shot himself in the head!
Is he okay?! Can you see him? Have you tried to help him?
He’s shot himself in the head! I can see him! What should I do?!
Ma’am?
It’s a man’s voice on the phone now.
Ma’am? This is the sheriff. We just arrived on the scene. Are you close by? Can you come and be with her?
No sir. I am not close by. I live an hour away. I can call someone for her though.
Ma’am? Can you meet us at the hospital?
Yes, I can do that.
We hang up.
I grab my things. My car keys. I don’t want to go.
I drive the speed limit. I cry. I call my husband. I call my best friend.
I arrive at the hospital, but she isn’t there. He is there, but she isn’t there.
She didn’t come to the hospital. The nurse tells me that he will not be at the hospital much longer either.
Is he okay? I ask.
The nurse shakes her head.
He is not okay and he will not be at the hospital much longer and she did not come to the hospital because there was no reason to come to the hospital.
We’re in the pool. Me and him and her.
She’d be better off if I was dead, he says to me.
And I say to him, she won’t be better off, and none of the rest of us will be better off either. We will never be better off without you. It won’t solve anything. She won’t be happy about it. Don’t go. Please don’t go.
Please stay.
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When it seems like life’s problems are insurmountable please remember this too shall pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Wait it out and think of what you can do to help someone worse off than you are. Get help. You are not alone.
When someone talks about suicide take them at their word. Follow up on it like you would if someone you love is in danger. Let other people know, don’t just ignore it, be matter of fact and don’t add fuel to the fire.
Try to impress upon them the difference between feeling like you want to die and actually killing yourself. Perhaps it’s a language problem.
Thank you Madeline. Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss for many people. Death often makes us uncomfortable and it is good to look at these things.