I have 6. 6 beautiful healthy children ranging in ages from 27 to 7 years old. 3 boys and 3 girls. A Brady Bunch if you will. I’ve been birthing and raising babies since I was 19 and now at 46, I am certainly glad I’m done..at least with the birthing part.
I realize that no amount of education or job experience could have taught me as much as parenting the “herd”. All of my profound life lessons have been taught to me, through the experience of my pregnancies,child birth and through parenting, and it isnt over yet.
Allow me to share with you.
1. It is totally possible to pee on a variety of pregnancy tests, and still have the same results.
2. One can be left speechless and panicked for quite some time.
3. Shaving your legs in the tub will leave you short of breath and cursing.
4. Tying your shoes is a distant memory.
5. You never thought you would experience questioning whether you have just peed yourself or your water just broke.
6. That it is physically possible to have your breasts rest on the top of your stomach and your stomach on top of your legs, while sitting down.
7. And that you have to convince your husband that the mucus plug is NOT something we save for the baby book.
8. Meanwhile, by the 5th or 6th child you accept that fact you will have no time to keep a baby book and will be grateful if you have the time to get them immunized.
9. You can clean an entire crib,walls and 2 year old from her own poo, that she has painted with ,while she was supposed to be napping, and time your own contractions.
10. The moment will come that you detest the sight and sound of your husband and that he exists.
11. At some point sex is no longer for love or pleasure but a means to hurry up to the end.
12. It is possible to gain 75 lbs in 4 and half months.
13. Pregnancy body shape is not flattering….ever!
14. By the 6th child your first doctor visit is NOT to discuss prenatal care but sterilization procedures.
15. Pain has no memory..daaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
16. Early labor is NOT like the cramps of your period.
17. You can go clinically insane from the pain of delivery.
18. Drugs are OK!
19. It is possible to go through an entire pack of diapers with just one butt changing..(nursing mothers know this one)
20. A growing newborn WILL nurse 20 hours a day…with or without breast milk.
21. Any mother who has experienced the pain of her breast milk drying up would NEVER entertain the thought of breast enlargement surgery.
22. A pissed off toddler has the endurance to hold their breath till they puke or pass out.
23. At some point you will pull a planters peanut, bead or small marble out the nostril of your small child.
24. The red mark on the inner ear of a child is not blood but red magic marker.
25. The suction cup the boy has stuck to his eye will bust every blood vessel on the left side of his face.
26. A 2 year old unwilling to go in their carseat or stroller is stronger than 10 grown men.
27. Spilling an entire sippy cup into the controls of a television will destroy it.
28. An 18 month old child will figure how to use her toes like a frigging monkey to climb out of her crib.
29. Small children will not die from consuming an entire tube of toothpaste, but they will pooooo for days.
30. A vacuum cleaner bag will hold 500 small Lego pieces.
31. Satan invented light bright. Oh yea! And easy bake ovens DO NOT BAKE!
32. 4 years old know exactly how to lie and use curse words in a sentence correctly.
33. A 4 year old boy can and will hold a perfectly normal conversation with you, while playing with himself, and not even care, at all.
34. And he will blame his sister for peeing in the bed that he just woke from. And believe it! truly!
35. A 5 year old will learn every word to the chorus of “Tryin to catch me riding dirty” from just one air play.
36. Flushing a bathtub stopper down the toilet will require you to remove the entire bowl from its foundation.
37. Leaving 3 kids in the tub alone for 2 seconds will flood it.
38. Dogs are not meant to eat an entire box of cheerios.
39. A 6 year old boy can completely destroy the chimney foundation of your neighbors house in less than 7 minutes.
40. By the teenage years your biggest worry is not them hanging out or driving, its just one less body in the house! Gooooo..have fun!
41. A mother could end the life of her prepubescent 13 year old daughter who doesn’t get that my estrogen is bigger than her estrogen!
42. Raising 10 boys is soooooooo much easier than 1 girl. Unless one of the boys is gay and much more high maintenance than the girls. Go figure.
43. Life can be good in dysfunctional denial
44. If the only thing she does is pierce 90 percent of her body…great! At least she’s not coming home pregnant:)!!
45. Your interracial oldest will NEVER LOOK LIKE YOU ….ever.
46. An entire football team in your son’s basement bedroom is NEVER a good thing. Never ever!
47. Oh yeah! and they keep the porn and paraphernalia behind the front of their speaker cabinets.
48. Curfews are a joke! You have to go to bed sometime and they know how to sneak out…always.
49. A 15 year old boys socks are the foulest, filthiest things on the face of the earth.
50. It is perfectly OK to pee in an open container instead of walking 2 flights of stairs to use the bathroom.
51. Ask your 17 year old if he is still a virgin….the answer will always be yes.
52. By the time our youngest is 16 we’ll be 60 and too damn tired to care…here’s the car keys…charge card…have fun and don’t wake us.
53. Husbands, never believe your wife on 12 shots of jagermister that its the “safe” time of the month!!!!!!
54. It is realistic to have your 17 year old text message 1100 times, AFTER being told not to.
55. And they will also download 4 viruses, into a brand new computer, from viewing porn at 2a.m.
56. It is also virtually impossible to convince your 5 year old that the middle finger really is a bad word.
57. Never ever place a Listerine breath strip, on the tongue of your 2 year old to KEEP her quiet during her sister’s school play. This will make matters MUCH worse.
58. A 5 year old boy will figure how to masterfully latch a wagon to his chopper bike and take his baby sister for the ride of her life.
59. Dog food is an edible choice for any toddler.
60. On his 21st birthday a drunken child will repeatedly head butt his father and refer to him as “my nigga” and live to see the sunrise.
61. A self contained, air blown dinosaur costume is NOT the way to go for a 2 year old on Halloween.
62. I will feed my 2 year old a half bag of lollipops to keep her in the grocery cart, and am not beneath a candy bar or piece of gum as another good bribe.
63. Young teens will navigate around a 5 mile range of “I’ll be at” while having there cell phones turned off, and find it perfectly acceptable.
64. It is possible for a 4 year old to damn near drown themselves from horror, over a hair washing.
65. An entire bottle of maple syrup,poured down the dinning room heat vent, makes for an aromatic winter.
66. Dried peanut butter in the cable television outlets dries hard…very hard.
67. A 3 year old girl will pretend to lactate and breastfeed her baby doll if exposed to the experience.
68. 4 boys, 4 opened beanbag chairs and shag carpet, will have a den looking like a Northeastern snow storm hit it and there will be enough static electricity to light up Chicago. They will not vacuum any of it up..I repeat..they will NOT vacuum any of it up.
69. I like Jagger.
70. And I color my hair.
I could go on forever, but this is just a few of my insightful lessons learned. For those of you with kids, you get it! For those of you who don’t have kids, you will get it eventually..oh yes, you will:)