Socially Distorted – Chapter 4

“AAAAA!” Barney yelled at his computer screen. Spittle flew through the air and landed on the thread he was currently commenting in. This guy was making him crazy. Most of the time Barney just liked to argue for the sake of argument, but when he argued with dudes it was a matter of being the alpha male. If this was a chick he would have backed down by now. “I’ll show you! You think you’re so smart, huh? Well watch this!”

The two best computer terms he ever learned were Copy and Paste. Since he started saving Bookmarks and using the Copy/Paste method he realized that people gave in to him easily because he sounded very intelligent. How could he not sound intelligent when he was actually posting comments and observations made by professionals, but taking full credit for them himself? The first time he did it he was nervous that someone would question him further, but they didn’t. He was so afraid that he would get busted and that someone would realize he hadn’t come up with those thoughts himself, but it seemed he was dealing with a bunch of idiots. What was fun was taking down these buttholes that had the 6 figure incomes and drove the fancy cars. Since he could comb the Internet and find someone smarter than they were to make his case for him, he had no qualms stealing their words to make himself look sharp and to make them look like assholes. Oh sure, he had screwed up a few times. There were some instances when he had pasted a copied comment in a rush and hadn’t really understood what he was pasting. He just knew it looked smart and so he went for it. It wasn’t until much later in the thread, after he endured a lot of ribbing from everyone participating, that he realized he had actually posted something that supported the other guy’s argument, rather than his own. These were times he tried his best to be humble and play dumb. If he acted sweet and naive then they usually let him slide. Sometimes he just got so caught up in wanting to smash the guy’s face in that he stopped paying attention to what the debate was about and just wanted the other guy to shut the fuck up.  

He tried to exercise some control now that Fiona watched him. He wanted her to think he was smart. She was smart. Hell, she was a doctor! If she was ever going to take him seriously he had to step up his game online. Now whenever he won an argument she came online and complimented him profusely. It made everyone else on the board respect him and he had even gotten a few private messages from the ladies that gave him goosebumps. Who knew being brainy made women horny? He sure never would have figured that out!

Opening his list of Bookmarks he picked one and did a Search for content he could use. Finding exactly what he wanted he executed his Copy/Paste, clicked back over to the thread to find the empty comment box, clicked it, clicked Paste and stabbed the Enter key with his index finger. Of course, there would be absolutely no credit given to the actual author of his comment. Oh no! These were now his words. His smart and informed words. If some poor sucker wanted to post his thoughts on the Internet, then Barney had every right in the world to re-use them. “Yeah!” he yelled “Take that you stupid jerk!” Laughing he waited for the guy to respond and all he got was a “Huh?” and the thread went dormant. Punching his fist in the air after waiting for his opponent to post something else he could sink his teeth into and wanting to make this guy not only look stupid but to feel stupid too, Barney celebrated another triumph.

He was bummed that Fiona wasn’t online right now to see his victory. He knew she’d be online later when she got home from work, but he would have liked for her to see this all play out. She would read the whole thing later and he knew that she would add her own thoughts in some long drawn out paragraph that he would have to read over and over again to understand what she meant, but he hated waiting.

He looked at the clock and counted down the hours, including the time zone difference,  until she would sign on, using his fingers. Not bad, he thought to himself, just a few more hours. He left the chat room and opened three of his favorite porn websites. He was a member of a few chat rooms in here too, but he used a fake name. One of the sites also included private messages and he noticed his Inbox had a message. He tried to keep a low profile in here so he was surprised to see someone writing to him. He clicked on the message;

Dear PapaBear,

The picture you have posted is really cute and I was wondering if you would like to have a Live Chat with me today. Click on SandyPantiesInOH for a really good time!

Spam! He hit delete. He had no interest in having a Live Chat with a phony when he could round up the real thing that had real emotions connected to it. Who did Sandy think she was anyway? He was a stud. He didn’t have to pay for sex and he knew that ol’ SandyPanties would be asking for a credit card once he clicked that link she had included. Besides he didn’t have a credit card and the only sex he ever paid for was a weekly Happy Ending at the massage parlor down the street and that was not the same thing. He saw this as regular maintenance, like getting your oil changed.

He closed that site and perused his favorite. This was a”dating” website called Going Fishing. He smiled to himself because it gave him endless pleasure to tell everyone on the board that he was “going fishing” for the day. The board would think he was sitting on some river bank close to his house trying to catch a fish when he was still sitting on his sofa checking out the desperate broads online. He would click back over to the chat room every few minutes to see what everyone was talking about and it thrilled him sometimes to see comments made about him and what a great fisherman he must be since he went fishing all the time.

There would be some private messages from a few of the girls asking what kind of fish he had caught. He knew they weren’t really that interested in hearing about fish. They just needed an excuse to talk to him privately in hopes he would give them a little of what he liked to call his “chat candy”. He enjoyed being able to withhold the chat candy until he got a little something in exchange, like a nice nudie picture to add to his collection. It used to shock him how many of the women went along with this request, but not anymore. He had two folders on his hard drive he saved their pictures in. One was named Dogs and the other was named Cows. Once he saved the pictures in the folders he rarely went back to look at them. There is a lot of credit to be given to airbrushing being a huge part of the porn industry. Homegrown nudie pictures were just plain gross outs! That was what he was right now, grossed out. Why did all the single women on this site look like they had been drug down a long stretch of pavement? If this was the only local flair he had to choose from he would need to move.

Disgusted he clicked out of the website and looked at the clock once more. Maybe he had time for a nap before tonight’s session online. He clapped his hands and the lights in his dim living room went out. The two windows on each side of the room had long ago been blacked out by duct taping an old blanket over them. The only light in the room was from a lamp on the side table, his small television set and the monitor of his computer. Now the only light was his monitor and he opened one of the pictures he had saved of Fiona before laying back on the sofa for a nap. He dozed off while watching her frozen smile, sun dappled and forever looking back at him, as she sat resting in the shade of a big tree.

Barney woke to the sound of the timer going off on his crock pot. He stomped into the kitchen and hit the Off button and lifted the lid to smell the ribs he had been slow cooking since that afternoon. All he had to do was pop them under the broiler for a few minutes and douse them in bbq sauce and he would have a dinner fit for a king. Since losing his teeth, he had a hard time gnawing the meat from the bones, but slow cooking made them so tender that he barely had to chew them.

After loading the ribs into the oven he opened his freezer and begrudgingly pulled out a bag of frozen broccoli. He despised eating anything green, but now he had to. He went an entire week once and couldn’t have a bowel movement. He remembered sitting on his toilet for hours grunting and sweating, just praying for that rock hard turd stubbornly sitting at the edge of his butt hole to come flying out like a rocket. He tried everything including laxatives, but nothing worked. Finally he went to the free clinic when he couldn’t take it anymore. The doctor bent him over the exam table and with his pants around his ankles, Barney endured the humiliation of having a turd sized suppository rammed up his rear. The doctor lectured his on his diet and then sent him packing assuring him that within the hour he would have some relief. Good, he thought, I am tired of feeling like I’m full of shit.

Sure enough, in less than an hour, Barney was running for the bathroom. Oh lord! The stuff that came out of him was heinous! For the next nine hours he was back and forth to the toilet. After the third explosive bout, he stopped bothering to wipe himself up with toilet tissue and just stood in the shower and let it all rinse down the drain. He didn’t bother getting dressed again either. Sweat poured from every pore and he swore he was going to shit himself to death. The amount of brown, chewed up debris that his intestines had stored up like a squirrel for winter blew his mind. And the smell! It was so strong he nearly added vomiting to his agenda. He must be rotting on the inside!

The bathroom was now a shit spattered mess. The force of the excrement leaving his anus sent the water in the toilet bowl cascading over the edge between the bowl and the plastic toilet seat like a waterfall. There was nothing he could do to stop it. A few times he had miscalculated and running into the bathroom a minute too late with shit streaming down his legs, he had slipped and busted his ass on the tile floor. Laying there in pain, bruised from the fall, he couldn’t stop the flow of digested food as it continued to ebb out of him in spasms. There had to be nothing lower than laying naked in a puddle of your own diarrhea. He was just too tired and too lethargic to clean any of it up, so he decided to just leave it until he was sure his ass was going to give him a break.

Sitting naked on a soiled towel placed on his sofa and resting a bit between craps, he heard a loud knock at his front door. It was so loud and sharp he jumped and almost shit himself right there on the sofa. He pulled the towel around his waist as best he could. When had they started making bath towels this small? Or was he just getting too fat to wrap a towel around himself? He took a deep breath and cracked open the door to see who was outside. It was his landlord with a concerned look on his face, “Oh thank god! You’re alive!” Barney opened the door a little wider, “Well yeah I’m alive. Why would you think I weren’t?” The landlord told him that evidently the stench wafting upstairs from his apartment was so bad that the upstairs neighbor had called and asked him to come and check it because she was sure Barney had died in there.

Barney watched his face as the landlord finally got a whiff of the inside of his apartment. Oh yeah, it was rank enough to peel good wallpaper. The landlord wrinkled his nose and asked him what he was up to in there.

It wasn’t one of Barney’s stellar moments, having to explain to a perfect stranger that he had been constipated for 5 days and was now crapping his brains out. Standing there in a dirty towel that barely covered his rear-end didn’t make it any easier. To top it all off, the grunting and pushing he had done trying to squeeze it out of him had also given him a bad case of hemorrhoids and they were just starting to sting and burn from all of the recent activity.

Satisfied that Barney would live to pay his rent on time next month, the landlord gladly backed away from the door asking Barney if he could please open some windows to air the place out. The tenant upstairs was already trying to get the smell out of her place by doing the same. As Barney closed his front door he watched the landlord bound up the steps, no doubt to share his story with the neighbor. He went back to his spot on the couch and picked up the remote control to turn on the television, but not before he heard a roar of laughter coming from the steps outside. That’s just great, he thought, now every time he saw the cute girl that had just moved in upstairs he’d have to hide to keep from facing her.