Apparently now I am becoming paranoid. At least that is how it feels. I used to think everyone thought I was awesome, and the whole world was my cheering section. Lately I have the definite impression that everyone is out to get me. I’ve flipped over into the trust no one stance, and since I have a very vivid imagination that is not always a productive way to view the world.
Control is an illusion repeats Benny in the background. Not that dubstep ever really stays in the background. He’s right though. It is an illusion I find it helpful to perpetuate in certain situations. It helps my state of mind. It is the lie that gives the truth. There is a saying for that, probably in Russian. It escapes me right now, I’m sure Prana would know.
Of course I think it is true that some people are out to get me, it’s only statistically probable that it would be the case. I know the way men are out to get me, it’s obvious and easy for me to understand and respond to one way or the other. Women confuse me, and lately when my ex-husband jokes that he spends his entire life surrounded by women I think to myself, you know, I seem to surround myself with men. What happened to all my girl friends? Where did all the awesome women go?
I like to think of myself as the kind of woman who is not threatened, who would surround myself with beautiful, empowered, intelligent peers. So where are they? I have a few close friends, most of which live far, far away. Madeline being case in point. Close girl friends who live near by, who I spend time with? Not so much.
I’ve never thought of myself as a socially anxious person, I enjoy being in populated situations. I’m not someone who really craves alone time, socializing is fun for me. So it’s hard to see it as a social anxiety. Although that is what the whole oh no everyone is out to get me paranoia thing is called these days as far as I can tell. Probably in order to sell me some anti-anxiety drug, which trust me, I’m not interested in.
I realize it is probably closer to the truth to say that people just don’t think about me much one way or the other. And if they do I’m sure they are vaguely supportive, or at least blandly benign about the whole thing. I’m not entirely crazy, although I do think I’m getting better, and that is a sure sign of being absolutely nuts. Sane people think they are getting worse. Crazy people are sure they are getting better all the time. I feel like I’m getting better. But then again what do I know.
I refuse to believe that it’s jealousy. I realize the little green monster can make people do some pretty strange things but c’mon. I’m approachable. I’m not all that awesome. I’m amazing and gosh darn it people like me. At least I hope they do, because it’s not like I can tone it down or anything. I’m just the dork you see before you, that’s pretty much the whole deal. And I’m very supportive of other people’s things, I go to their shows and genuinely like their pages, why? Because I’m interested in stuff. And that just has to be more important.
In the end the things that draw us together have to be more powerful than the petty human emotions that try to pull us apart. There has to be a reason to reach out, a reason to care. And if that reason is compelling enough one would hope it would surmount all obstacles, even the sneaking suspicion that someone else might be a tad bit more awesome than you in a particular area. It does for me.
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- Hot Women Are Harder To Fool (heartiste.wordpress.com)
- Harriet Walker: ‘Paranoia is a very female thing’ (independent.co.uk)
- What is it like to have Social Anxiety? (hopesumbrella.wordpress.com)
- Fuck you social anxiety! (notalknoaction.wordpress.com)
I think you’re awesome. In fact, you’re more awesome today than you were when I first met you. It’s my theory, and you know I always have one, that what you’re feeling is not so much paranoia as it is a shift in how you think of yourself. Think back to how you were a few years ago. You and I have had many conversations about that time. There are facets from the “you” back then that have been polished and shine brighter now as you have grown stronger and yet softer in finding your voice and knowing you deserve better. You have become kinder to yourself and I know you love yourself more today. This could be what shakes your ground a bit and makes you unsure of situations that once meant nothing to you. I’m not a professional, but this could be food for thought…or a snack. Anyways I am proud always to tell anyone that asks me that you are my closest friend no matter how far away you are. Sending you love and missing you everyday.
Madeline
Right now I can’t come up with a saying in Russian about lies that give the truth, but what does come to mind is the concept of “foma” from Kurt Vonnegut’s “Cat’s Cradle.” Foma is a made-up word for harmless untruths – lies that, if used correctly, can be useful. They are the essential part of the made-up religion that helps the residents of a made-up Caribbean island remain sane in the face of the world’s craziness. Someone did write one of the main tenets of that wonderful made-up religion on one of the outside walls of the Temple at Burning Man this year: “Live by the foma that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.” It helps me to remember these words when I feel like the world is out to get me. They allow me to let both myself and other people make up the harmless untruths that can make me feel better and thus make the situation better.
Foma. Yes, I think that is what I remembered. Thank you, that is very helpful.
What is the Russian word for an argument that is leading towards a conclusion?
I suspect that you are referring to the word “до́вод” (pronounced DO-vod). The root of the word – “vod” – means “to lead.” The prefix – “do” – means “towards.” Hence, the word refers to an argument leading to a conclusion; a winning argument; proof.
Yes, I think that is what I was thinking of. I had mixed up the two somehow. At any rate, they do go well together!
Yes, they do…