by Madeline Laughs
Barney rolled over on the couch with a coughing spasm. He sat up grabbing his throbbing head and moaned. Coughing some more he pulled over the small waste basket he kept next to the couch, closed one nostril with his finger and shot a snot rocket right into the basket. “Two points!” he yelled and shook his fist in the air. Leaning over a bit he let loose a huge fart. The popping, wet sound made him look down between his naked legs to make sure he hadn’t just crapped himself. He chuckled a little and belched.
When had he gotten so fat?! His midsection was now hardened and distended. It stuck so far out that he could no longer look down and see his penis. It felt like his stomach had eaten his favorite plaything and left him with nothing down there. The doctor said it would take a lot of hard work and a proper diet to ever get back to where he used to be. Barney wasn’t into hard work or dieting. He reached for the two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper he kept on the floor next to his computer setup and took a huge swig. He made a gargling noise and swallowed.
His mother had always given him a hard time about the amount of soda he drank. She told him one day all of his teeth would rot out. “Well Mom you were right! Once again you put your bad juju on me!” He swirled the rest of the soda around in the bottle and stuck his tongue beneath the denture plates in his mouth. Barney had lost all of his teeth. They had rotted to the point that his last wife refused to kiss him anymore because his breath was so bad. When he had finally relented to go to the dentist and have them taken care of, it was too late. The dentist pulled every one of them and fitted him for dentures. Evidently that wasn’t what his wife had in mind either. She changed the locks and served him with divorce papers. Then he was toothless and homeless. Continue reading