Socially Distorted – Chapter 2

by Madeline Laughs

Barney rolled over on the couch with a coughing spasm. He sat up grabbing his throbbing head and moaned. Coughing some more he pulled over the small waste basket he kept next to the couch, closed one nostril with his finger and shot a snot rocket right into the basket. “Two points!” he yelled and shook his fist in the air. Leaning over a bit he let loose a huge fart. The popping, wet sound made him look down between his naked legs to make sure he hadn’t just crapped himself. He chuckled a little and belched.

When had he gotten so fat?! His midsection was now hardened and distended. It stuck so far out that he could no longer look down and see his penis. It felt like his stomach had eaten his favorite plaything and left him with nothing down there. The doctor said it would take a lot of hard work and a proper diet to ever get back to where he used to be. Barney wasn’t into hard work or dieting. He reached for the two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper he kept on the floor next to his computer setup and took a huge swig. He made a gargling noise and swallowed.

His mother had always given him a hard time about the amount of soda he drank. She told him one day all of his teeth would rot out. “Well Mom you were right! Once again you put your bad juju on me!” He swirled the rest of the soda around in the bottle and stuck his tongue beneath the denture plates in his mouth. Barney had lost all of his teeth. They had rotted to the point that his last wife refused to kiss him anymore because his breath was so bad. When he had finally relented to go to the dentist and have them taken care of, it was too late. The dentist pulled every one of them and fitted him for dentures. Evidently that wasn’t what his wife had in mind either. She changed the locks and served him with divorce papers. Then he was toothless and homeless.  

Getting off on Facebook

Image via Wikipedia

Single Not Desperate

When I decided to get back into the local dating scene and used up every resource available on Match.com, one of my girlfriends suggested I join one of her dating groups on Facebook. Facebook? There are dating groups on there? Yes, there sure are! The one I’m a member of is marked secret, so in order to get in, you have to know someone already a member.  

I’m okay single

by Single Not Desperate

one Single note

I’ve been absent for a while now and wanted to catch everyone up on my life as a dating, single mom. I’ve had a few dates, but nothing like the whirlwind it was when I first got back into the dating pool.

I think I’ve decided that I like being single. There’s no one to answer to except my child and I’m free to see anyone I choose. I’m okay with that.

There’s no law that says you have to be attached to someone in order to live a full life. It took me a while to get to this place, but I’m comfortable here now. If someone does come along and it works out, I’ll let you know.

Until then I am still single and I am not even close to feeling desperate. I hope that’s where you find yourself one of these days too.

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Stay at Home Dad

Image via Wikipedia

by Single Not Desperate

I was talking to one of my male friends the other day about him being a stay at home Dad. He lost his job a while back and his wife has taken over the role of breadwinner in the household.

He was so excited at the prospect of staying at home, lounging on the sofa eating bonbons, and waiting for the little wifey to come home after working her butt off all day. This was going to be a breeze!

His cradle was gently rocked after the first week. Bonbons still sat in the box uneaten and the sofa now has a puke stain on it.

He told me that he has no idea how women have been doing this for decades. He feels so 1950′s. He can’t come and go as he pleases and every trip out of the house is a grand production. Remember to take the car with the car seats, pack sippy cups, but no milk, have enough diapers, toys and puke towels. Park in the shade so the car doesn’t get too hot. And that’s just getting to the desired locati0n.

Once you’re in the store, there’s always a mini meltdown over sugar cereal or a toy that the kid doesn’t need, but WANTS. And forget going anywhere he might want to go like the video store or a sporting goods store. There’s no way he could keep an eye on the kid and shop too. He just doesn’t have the patience.

I asked him if he felt like a caged bird. He said he feels worse. 

I wanna go to Daddy’s, and you can’t come!

by Single Not Desperate

Image via Wikipedia

Dating when you have children, especially small ones, can be difficult. Dating someone with children, especially small ones, can be equally difficult. How do you manage this delicate situation?

I found myself in a predicament recently when my new paramour brought his 3 year old daughter along on one of our outings. She made it very apparent that I was an intrusion on their day. Hiding behind his pants leg she clearly stated, as only a 3 year old can, “I want to go home to my Daddy’s house and I don’t want you to come.” Yes, this made me feel like a million bucks. Especially when Daddy didn’t correct her.